Ok, I suck at intros, so let's get right to it.
The Top 9 Halloween Things At Wal-Mart That I Wish I Had:
#9: BOTTLES OF BLOOD!!! Ok, so I'm not entirely sure what I'd do with this stuff, but it seems like the sort of thing that would be good to have around. You know, just in case. You just never know when you're gonna need to fake a murder, or trick someone into thinking you've taken up vampirism. After all, the stuff is non-toxic.
#8: BIG-ASS FAKE JACK-O-LANTERNS!!! I stuck one of the normal sized fake jack-o-lanterns in the picture for a size reference. Sure, the things cost in the neighborhood of ten bucks, but look at the size of them. Stick one of these babies in your window and you'll be the envy of the entire neighborhood, with their tiny little pansy jack-o-lanterns.
#7: SKULL LAWN STAKES!!! Man, these things make me wish I had a lawn. Stupid apartment. I think they might light up, but I don't really remember and the picture I took is too shitty to read the box. Oh well. We'll just have to assume that they light up. If there is any sort of God then they'll light up.
#6: BLOODY HAND PRINTS!!! I have considered getting these, or something like these for years, but I've always been afraid that they wouldn't stick well. And on top of that, I heard that they stain the shit out of walls. But they are so cool in principle that I had to put them on the list.
#5: BAGS OF BONES!!! I'm not sure if there is an entire skeleton in there, or just a random assortment of bones. I don't really care either. I suppose that a full skeleton would be slightly cooler, but $20 worth of incomplete bones is still pretty damn cool. I imagine a bone pile in the corner of my living room with the #1 guy hovering over it. How freaking cool would that be. Oh, and don't skip ahead to find out what I'm taking about. You have three more things to read before you find out what #1 is.
#4: SPIDER MUGS!!! Holy shit. How cool are these sons of bitches? If I drank coffee I'd be all over these things.
Wait a second… CRAP! I just noticed that the so-called spiders only have six legs. Looks like they aren't spider mugs after all. You know what? We can still call them spiders, we'll just have to make up a little story about how the little guys lost two legs. The way I see it there was this spider. Let's call him Jimmy. Now Jimmy was a fierce little bug. At least seventy-six people tried to step on him, and at least seventy-six people died. And little Jimbo – he wasn't even poisonous. He ripped every one of those big-footed ass holes limb from limb.
Like this one time this guy Sam was walking along, not paying attention, and almost crushed Jimmy, but Jimmy saw it coming and dodged the shoe. Now most spiders would have let it go, but Jim wasn't a normal spider. He followed Sam for six hours until he went home. Then Jimmy waited patiently for Sam to go to bed, and as he was sleeping Jimmy crawled down his throat and started tearing him apart from the inside. Sam's wife saw it too. It just looked like huge cuts and gaping holes were opening up by magic. That's where they got the idea for the Nightmare On Elm Street movies.
So anyway, one day Jimmy met this twenty-seven foot tall half-robot half-zombie ninja. Right off the bat it was pretty clear to Jimmy that he was going to have to fight this karate zombot. Jimmy started things off by jumping straight at the robo-ninja's neck. He was planning on tearing out the cyber-zombie's throat, but the zombinja wasn't worried, his neck was one of his robot parts, and he knew that even Jimmy wouldn't be able to rip trough solid steal. Just like the ninja-bot expected, Jimmy bounced off like a bullet in Superman's eye. The rombie was quick to retaliate, and threw five hundred and sixty-two shurinken at Jimmy. This was a pretty stupid move, everyone knows that Jimmy is one of the three most agile spiders on the planet. Jim had no problem at all dodging every single ninja star.
The stalemate lasted for hours with each combatant either evading or defending against every attack. Unfortunately for Jimmy, ninbots don't get tired. Spiders Do. On the seventeenth hour, Jimmy got sloppy and the electrombie got lucky. Two of Jimmy's legs got trapped under one robotic boot, and the other was flying towards his head pretty fast.
Jimmy knew he had to act quickly. He braced his six free legs against the ground and pushed with all of his might. In the eighth of a second it took for the mecha-ninja's foot to hit the ground, Jimmy was able to pull out his two front legs, run the six miles to the nearest Home Depot, and return with a very large, very sharp nail. The nimbie's foot hit the nail and was pierced.
It is a little known fact that robot-zombie-ninjas keep their power supplies in their left feet, so this was a fatal wound. Jimmy won the fight, but lost his favorite two legs. To commemorate the epic battle, mugs were made. Mugs with six-legged spiders.
#3: SKULL FOUNTAIN PUNCH BOWL!!! What's not to love here? A skull bleeds punch through his eyes and fills a bowl with his fruity blood. It even comes with a bone ladle. If you are planning a Halloween party, you need to get this thing. If you aren't planning a Halloween party, you should still probably get one. This thing offers year-round fun. Hold the phone, I just had the best idea ever. Skull fountain+bottle of blood=best thing ever.
#2: CRAWLING HAND!!! You know Thing? No, not the rock guy from the Fantastic Four, the hand guy from the Adams Family. This is a lot like him. It's a fake hand and forearm with animatronic fingers that pull it along the ground. It wouldn't do too well as a decoration: non-mechanical fake hands are much cheaper. And as a toy it would get old pretty quick. But you know perfectly well that those few minutes before you get tired of it are going to be the best minutes of your life.
#1: CRAZY FLOATY GHOSTY DEMONY LOOKING GUY!!! If you couldn't tell from the heading, I have absolutely no idea what to call this guy, except “the most awesome thing I have seen in my entire life,” but even that isn't a very descriptive name. The first thing you notice is this thing is life-size. His head is bigger than mine. When hanging at the proper height he has a good six inches on me. If you don't count the giant balloons, this is the biggest decoration in all of Wal-Mart. Coolest one too. Every single person reading this should go buy one of these right now. At least one of you should buy two. That way you'll be able to give me one.
------------------------------
Now, I bet you're wondering why I only did nine. Wouldn't it have been more logical to make a list of ten? Well, I was going to make this the top ten Halloween things at Wal-Mart that I wish I had, but I up and bought something so I had to take it off the list.
