As it turns out, I am incredibly stupid. I did a review of three Fear Factor gummi snacks, and it almost killed me. A smart person would have left it at that. A smart person would have shunned all Fear Factor based food. A smart person would not be nearly as terrified as I am right now. I am not a smart person. In fact, I am stupid enough to eat and review a fourth gummi snack that I had forgotten about when I wrote the first article. I am stupid enough to eat and review 2 varieties of Fear Factor Pop-Ups. Today's gonna be a good day. Can you feel it?

Tiki Man, protect me.

If you read the first article, you know that the flavors on the other three gummis went from bland and tasteless to suicide-inducing. If you didn't read the first article, then I think you owe me an explanation as to why you haven't been reading my articles. I don't know where this one will fall on that scale but with the listed flavors, I'm not hopeful. The fact that the other gummis were listed as "Super Spicy," "Super Sweet," and "Super Surprise," while this one is listed as "Super Gross" is probably a bad sign. On the other hand, the others were neither sweet, spicy, nor surprising so maybe I'll get lucky. Yeah, that's what'll happen.

I predict that this one will taste overwhelmingly buttery. And not in a good way like on toast or waffles, but in a sickening, stomach-churning, make-me-wanna-die sort of way.

Oh. My. God. This thing actually smells really, really, really good. Open up a bag of Gummi Bears and get a good whiff. That's the exact smell. Sure, it's not the best scent ever, but when you are expecting a turd wrapped in rotting fish, it's a nice surprise. I was so not put off by the smell that I almost ate it without first writing the paragraph about the smell. Maybe I wasn't being sarcastic about it being a good day after all. Maybe the Tiki man actually is protecting me. Let's find out.

Sweet Jesus. If these guys didn't retail for a buck a pop I might actually eat them for funsies. I bet all you sadistic bastards out there were hoping it would taste like foot fungus so you could laugh at me for eating it. Well, joke's on you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! There is a slight buttery aftertaste that I could do without, but it fades quickly and doesn't take away from the fact that I just ate a Fear Factor gummi, and I don't want to track down and kill Joe Rogan. Which is good, because I loved Newsradio.

Thank you, Mr. Tiki Man. Please keep it up for the Pop-Ups.

It has probably been ten years since I've had a Pop-Up.  If my memory serves me, the last one I had was orange and Flintstones.  It was good.  Good enough that I almost wish that I had bought real Pop-Ups instead of Fear Factor Pop-Ups with fake eyes.  Who am I kidding?  I fully wish it.  Don't get me wrong, I like fake-eye food as much as the next guy, I just prefer it when it stays in October.

Unlike the gummy company though, I do have hope for the Pop-Ups.  They are put out by Popsicle, hardly an unknown brand.  If anyone knows how to balance gross looks with good taste it's Popsicle.  I am, however, apprehensive about the bubble gum eyes.  I just can't imagine that a hunk of gum in the middle of the Popsicle would be a good thing.  Then again, someone probably said the same thing about Blow Pops, and we all know how that turned out.  Enough of this pointless rambling.  How about I actually try to eat one?

Apparently, these are the Gushers of Popsicles.  Solid dark green outside, with a liquidy blood center.  I have to say, I love the concept.  As far as the actual taste, it's exactly what you would expect from a watermelon Popsicle.  In fact, if the package didn't tell me, I wouldn't even know that it was supposed to be gross.  I'm actually a bit disappointed.  I was honestly hoping that they would be horrible.  It's easy to write something funny about how horrible something is.  But these?  What am I supposed to say?  They're good.  I'm not exactly ready to proclaim that Jesus decided to play a trick on us all do the second coming as a Popsicle, but they're good.  Maybe we'll get lucky and the cherry ones will taste like cat vomit and I'll be able to tell some jokes.

If you have ever had a cherry Popsicle, you know exactly how this tastes.  The only remarkable thing about it is the color.  You ever see anything cherry flavored that's green?  Didn't think so.

I know what you're thinking. Three decent reviews? You clicked this article to watch me suffer. Well, I am proud to report that the Pop-Ups do in fact have a major flaw. They are messy as hell. Normally when you have a Popsicle and it starts to melt it isn't that big of a deal. You give it a couple good full-length licks and everything is all right again. You can't do that with these. You see, the cardboard surrounding the Pop-Up acts as a wall trapping the melted Popsicle. You end up with a little moat of Popsicle juice, and if you move the Pop-Up at all it will spill. I ended up with a watermelon flavored cat because of it. You could push the Popsicle part all the way up to avoid the pooling effect, but then, as I found out the hard way, there won't be anything holding the Popsicle in, and it will fall off as soon as you try to lick it.

If you are smart you won't eat Fear Factor Pop-Ups over carpeting.

Like I said, I haven't had a Pop-Up for a long, long time, but I had remembered them being softer. Not quite as soft as ice cream, but soft enough that they needed the cardboard to maintain their shape while you ate them. These were as hard as a normal Popsicle, maybe a little bit harder. I don't know when Pop-Ups changed, even if they did. I may just be imagining it. But if they did change, they need to change them back, because cats don't like it when you drip melted Pop-Ups onto them. And neither do shirts that you really liked.