If you were a child between the mid 80s and early 90s or are otherwise cool, then there is a better than decent chance that you are a fan of He-Man. I would also be willing to bet that unless you are a particularly obsessive fan, the origins of three of Eternia’s greatest enemies are unknown to you. Well, guess what. They aren’t unknown to me. You see, I own a small storybook entitled “NEW CHAMPIONS OF ENTERNIA” which includes some shocking revelations about Beast Man, Evil-Lyn, and Tri-Klops. Guess what else. Because of the marvels of modern technology (a very old flatbed scanner) I am able to bring you this book along with full commentary and review.

The cover is interesting for one reason and one reason alone. Battle Armor. Now, I’m don’t actually know for a fact that He-Man never actually wore his battle armor, but I’m going to pretend that I do. Outside of the action figure line, He-Man was never actually seen wearing battle armor, and that includes the page of this book the image was taken from. Don’t believe me? Scroll down about a dozen pictures.

Something is seriously wrong with He-Man’s face.

No part of this book may be reproduced or copied in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Please don’t sue me, Golden Books. Also, Jeffrey Oh can’t draw He-Man.

You know, it occurs to me that this article is slightly ill-conceived. Since I am putting up scans of every page, it would be redundant for me to explain the story line. All there is left to do is comment on the artwork and make fun of the dialog, which will probably make for a boring article. That’s ok though. You probably care more reading the story than my commentary anyway. Doesn’t mean you won’t get commentary though.

Fisto is creeping me out, and the bandages on Stratos’s arm make it look like his hand was cut off.

Here we have Man-at-Arms the spin-doctor spouting some b.s. about minor wounds. Tell that to Stratos when he is sucking up to Fisto to get one of those cool metal hands.

If Mr. Oh can’t draw He-Man, what makes you think he would be able to draw Prince Adam? Or brooms for that matter.

Tri-Klops is supposed to have three eyes. Based on the spacing shown here, he would have to have four at the very least, probably more like five or six. Is this a new extra-powerful version of Tri-Klops? Hexa-Klops: Twice the eyes, twice the power. Who hired this Oh Guy? And more importantly, what kind of a name is “Oh” anyway?

Two things on this one. First of all, this picture clearly shows us that assuming even spacing, there are four eyes. Guess we have to call him Tetra-Klops. Secondly, Which lazy character designer decided to have Evil-Lyn dress exactly like Teela?

Wait a second, if the heroes are readying their vehicles, what is Prince Adam doing there? Shouldn’t he either be wearing his He-Man pants or be off somewhere pretending to be worthless?

The first two paragraphs do nothing to advance the story, and only serve to ruin the episode “Teela’s Quest” for anyone who hasn’t seen it. Also, why does Man-At-Arms sleep in full battle gear?

Probably should have scanned this page in with the last one as one big picture, but I didn’t want to have to scale it down to avoid horizontal scrolling. Damn two page spreads.

Evil-Lyn is sad, and Skeletor’s Havoc Staff just got a lot shorter.

Ram Man just rammed Beast Man in his Beast Crotch.

Cover shot. Notice the lack of battle armor and the addition of two new characters? Man, this book is big on continuity.

When did this damn thing become a comic book?

Psstt… rearrange the letters in their names. See what happens.

He-Man has Penguin fingers

Extra battle clothing? Battle clothing? It’s a God-damn sash. And a helmet that effectively blinds the wearer. They would send their own men into battle with that stuff? Forget battle. They would let their own men go out into public with that stuff?

You are trying to tell me that He-Man wouldn’t have noticed that huge axe on his own? And why is that guy lifting a tree?

He-Man and Man-at-Arms are party poopers. It’s the excessive hyphens that make them unable to enjoy the moment.

Wow, this book is long. It’s only like half way through the story, and I’ve already done like a million of these comments. How can they fit this many pages into something half the thickness of your average Dr. Seuss book?

Best art in the book.

Another blasted two-page spread.

Beast Man’s real name is Biff. Biff Beastman. Now I not only hate Jeffrey Oh for not being able to draw, but I also hate Jack C. Harris for coming up with such a dumb name.

I’m about 95% sure that he wasn’t naked a minute ago, but I’m writing this without having scanned the pages in yet, and I’m too lazy to turn the page back.

I see the smoke, but where are the flames. Ok, I see flames too, but they are unrelated to Skeletor’s transformation.

Ok, I’m not sure I am prepared to believe that He-Man can make lava spurt forth by plunging his sword eight inches into the ground.

*cough*deus ex machina *cough*

I am having real issues with the cross on Kind Randor’s crown. And check out He-Man’s abs. He’s got like a 27-pack. Puts Man-At-Arm’s six-pack to shame.

I always pictured the castle being a bit more castley and a bit less housey.

Ok, this picture would actually be pretty cool if Jeff Oh hadn’t tried to shade He-Man’s head.

Do I really have to comment on the back cover?

On the whole, it wasn’t a bad book. The story was decent. Seems like it could have made a good episode of the cartoon. The ending is a bit of a cop-out, but that’s ok. It’s completely made up for by the bit of back-story that the book gives us. I did a bit a research, and it turns out that the back-story given in this book was actually stated in the series bible created for the show, it just never made it into any episodes. So I guess we can’t blame Jack for coming up with the name Biff.

We can however, place the blame for all of the book’s faults on Jeffrey Oh. He can’t even keep track of the style of He-Man’s vest, let alone it’s size. Same goes for Teela’s snake thingy. On top of this sloppiness, many of the drawing are quite simply not that great. They would be passable, even good if this were He-Man fanart website, but this is an official part of the He-Man continuity, and is otherwise damn good. They should have hired someone better.

In closing…

B for story. Could have been an A+ if it had a better ending.

C- for the illustrations. They could have found someone better.

--Jeff

P.S. Found this link when I was confirming that the name of He-Man’s battle armor (I had thought it was battle damage armor. Oops). Might be of some use to anyone who still have the toy and doesn’t mind risking breaking the hell out of it.

http://he-man.3wpages.com/BA-Fix1.html

Keep in mind, I haven’t tested it, so I can’t promise that it won’t mess your figure up even more.

BONUS LINK #2!! Remember that series bible I mentioned?

http://www.he-man.org/cartoon/exclusivefeatures/exclusive-mastersseriesbible-intro.shtml

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